life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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