I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
