I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
