i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
