Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
