im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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