I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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