Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
