she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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