I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize