Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
