ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
