totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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