You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
