Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize