I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
