but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
