I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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