Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
