Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
