My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize