listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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