I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
