uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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