I like my sex mixed with concussions.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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