Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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