I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
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