omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
