plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
