I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
