and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
