she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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