between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
