Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
