Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
