I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
i need some magic done to my vagina
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