In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
