This dress was meant to end up on your floor
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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