Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
