I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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