see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
