I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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