On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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