hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Randomize
