I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
