I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
