That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
