I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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