he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
