I accidentally burped into my bong.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
