I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
