She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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