He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
