Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
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