look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
