I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize