fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Congratulations! We have a period
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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