im drinking this country out of the recession.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
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