All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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