i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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