My liver just broke up with me...
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Randomize
