I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
