I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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