I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My dick has a subreddit
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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